


As Long As Stars Are Above You

by phantasticjacky (danspastels)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Autism, Fluff, M/M, Phanfiction, phanfluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 11:53:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11104050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danspastels/pseuds/phantasticjacky
Summary: Dan and Phil have reached their three-year mark of the relationship. The problem? Dan has autism and the words "I love you" have never left his lips.





	As Long As Stars Are Above You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I recently uploaded this to [Wattpad](http://my.w.tt/UiNb/8MyYCDgNJD), but now that I have this account back I've decided to post it on here as well. I like how it started, the rest of it.... not so much. 
> 
> But I hope you guys will enjoy it!

When Phil touched Dan, there was no trace of the uncomfortable feeling that would creep upon him whenever someone else did. Phil's lips on Dan's neck, fingers in his hair, their bodies touching as they both moved in unison and moaned little vows of love to each other - it felt natural.

The way Phil's name would leave Dan's mouth as his fingers were holding onto the sheets, his head thrown back, pressed into the pillow - it sounded like a prayer.

And to Dan, it almost was a prayer. To Phil, his everything. To Phil, the only one who'd make him laugh, cry, desperate enough to want him. To Phil, the only one who'd know Dan's deepest fears, biggest wishes and unromantic little quirks. To Phil, the only one who stayed when he found out how differently Dan's brain worked compared to his own.

On some days, Dan wouldn't talk. He'd spend his days locked inside the bedroom, writing poetry or scribbling down mathematical formulas for no reason at all. He wouldn't like to be touched on those days, he wouldn't listen to whatever Phil had to say. Dan's brain worked like that and it was okay.

On most days, though, Dan would be able to forget that he was different when he was with Phil. It was almost as if he was never diagnosed with autism, as if he was always living a life free of worries and constraints. Not because they were gone, no, they were always there. But Dan came to figure that the more someone pointed them out, the more distinct his constraints were.

Phil didn't point them out. He never had. Not when they first met and Dan spent more time organising the food on his table than eating it. Not when Dan flinched the first time Phil took his hand. Not when Dan cried and immediately needed a mouthwash after their first kiss. The more Phil had gotten to know Dan, the more comfortable Dan got with him.

Only a year after they had officially started dating, being with Phil, touching him, kissing him, fooling around with him, felt like the most natural thing in the world to Dan. Eventually, he couldn't even imagine how he'd ever felt the need to wash his hands whenever Phil touched him. They were able to sleep in the same bed, barely any clothes on their body, without Dan having a nervous breakdown about the physical closeness.

Dan was finally able to understand feelings. Not just Phil's, other people's feelings as well. Reading emotions in other people's faces was now a thing. Small talk wasn't a big problem anymore. And now, whenever people touched him, Dan was able to suppress the disgust and rage that built up inside him until he got home, where he could easily throw a tantrum without anyone thinking he was a freak. Phil never taught him anything and yet he taught him so much - simply by just being with him.

Phil was everything to Dan. But Dan wasn't sure if he was everything to Phil, as well.

____

In his head, Dan was good with words. In his head, he knew he loved Phil, that Phil was everything he could've asked for and more, that he never wanted Phil to leave him.

But Dan couldn't say it out loud.

Never in three years of their relationship had Dan told Phil that he loved him. He didn't know how to show is affection with words and not with actions either.

One morning Dan woke up in Phil's arms, seeing his boyfriend was already wide awake. As Phil noticed Dan was up he raised his eyebrows and looked at him.

"Good morning." Phil smiled.

"Morning." Dan cleared his throat and furrowed his brows. "Phil? How are you so sure of sticking around when I never tell you what I feel for you?"

Phil's smile had gotten even wider, Dan was sure he'd even huffed a laugh. "Well, simple as that, you never told me to leave."

Dan was satisfied with that answer. After all, there was some truth to it. Dan could be rude, especially when he was sick of people. He never failed to tell people to leave him alone or to just leave entirely and not come back because he didn't want to be around them anymore. He couldn't fake liking people like Phil could.

And to his advantage, this was exactly why Phil was still here.

Dan could tell Phil he wanted to be alone. Phil would leave him alone, spend some time in another room and come back eventually. Dan could tell Phil to leave because he couldn't see his face at a certain moment. Phil would leave, maybe have coffee or meet a friend, and eventually he'd come back.

But Dan also could tell Phil to please _stay, stay, stay and don't leave for god's sake_ by just looking at him.

To Dan, this wasn't enough anymore. Over the years he had developed something that he only ever thought of as a concept: a conscience.

He didn't think he could sit there like this forever, craving Phil's attention, his understanding and the kisses and - oh god - all of Phil's touches and the way he would make Dan's heart flutter by just saying a single word.

Dan had to do something.

____

_Dear Phil_

That was too formal, Dan didn't like it.

_Phil_

Not really personal, but Dan went for it.

____

Dan was outside. Alone.

Everything needed to be ready before Phil woke up.

He was able to wake up at 7am without Phil noticing a thing. He'd walked down to the flower shop at 7.40am, wearing all black, making him look like a really desperate person who forgot to buy flowers for someone's funeral.

The lady who was opening the shop let him in five minutes early, and before she could even turn around to mind her business, Dan grabbed her shoulder and desperately mumbled something that sounded like "Needaconflof".

Noticing that he'd just swallowed half of his sentence, he removed his hand from the woman and took a deep breath before looking at her again. She seemed kind of worried and confused.

"I need to confess my love to someone", Dan said now, a little slower, trying to ignore the feeling inside of him that made him regret reaching out and touching her.

"Roses?"

"Too cliché."

"I see. Color?"

Dan had to think about this for a moment. He could've gone with Phil's favorite colors, but this was about what Phil was to Dan. The sun. Sunshine? Yellow.

"Yellow?"

"I see. Let me prepare a little something for you. Just wait a second."

As she walked away, Dan remembered his second date with Phil. They went to a park that was covered with all kinds of flowers and Phil was truly amazed by Dan's knowledge about them. Dan had just waved it off, saying he knew a lot about many different things because he reads a lot. That was just half the truth, it took him a while longer to tell Phil that he remembered 90% of the things he read.

There was one flower that Phil couldn't stop watching. And Dan remembered.

He walked around the flower shop, trying to find the lady. As he found her, she was carefully sticking together a bouquet of yellow flowers. Primroses, yellow daisies, begonias and a bunch of others.

"Uhm, excuse me, ma'am?" Dan crossed his arms in front of his chest, waiting for her to react. She only shot him a sideway glance and he wasn't sure if that was the reaction he needed, but he continued talking anyway. "Could you maybe include just one orange Gerbera?"

She just nodded, not interrupting her work. That was enough for Dan.

Thirty minutes later he was on his way back home, a bouquet of flowers worth forty pounds in his hands. He told himself the money spent was worth it. And for Phil it was. It always would be.

Dan was relieved as he arrived at the apartment and figured Phil still was asleep. He took off his shoes, put down the flowers and the letter on the coffee table, then proceeded to wash his hands and prepare breakfast for Phil. And then he waited.

It felt like hours when actually just ten minutes had passed until Dan heard Phil's footsteps in the hallway.

"Good morning", Dan whispered as Phil entered the lounge.

Phil smiled, walked over and gently placed a kiss on Dan's forehead. "Good morning."

As Dan nervously looked up at his boyfriend, Phil had already seen the arrangement on the coffee table. His eyes widened in surprise, his eyes switched between the coffee table and a visibly anxious Dan.

Just before anything could happen there was a shift in Dan's emotion and he got up, slowly reached for the letter and stuffed it into his back pocket.

"Okay, I changed my mind about that one." He turned to Phil, who was still slightly baffled and had no clue what was happening. "Phil, I wrote you a letter that definitely contains more words than what I am about to say now, but you know I'm bad at this and, well, I really want to say this out loud. I love you. I love you so much, you don't even know. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't want you to leave, like, ever. So please stay. Just stay. I love you."

There were a few seconds of silence in which Phil, open-mouthed stared at Dan, who was heavily breathing. Then something happened that Dan did not expect and also didn't know how to deal with - Phil started crying.

Dan felt desperate for a moment. He was just stood there, thinking about what he possibly could've done wrong when this should've been something nice, something that made Phil happy.

"Did I- Did I say something wrong?" Dan self-consciously bit his bottom lip.

Phil violently shook his head and took Dan's face into his hands. His voice was still shaken by sobs as he spoke. "You've done nothing wrong. And I love you, too. And please don't worry. I won't leave. Never."

Dan was relieved and happy. So relieved and happy that he started crying as well. And that's how he understood that Phil didn't cry because he was sad, he was crying because he was happy. Phil had ached for Dan to say I love you just as much as Dan had ached for Phil to say that he was going to stay.

Dan put his forehead against Phil's and started whispering.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you so, so much." There was no way Dan could catch up with all the times he wanted to tell Phil what he felt, but he could try.

Dan had only stopped talking when Phil's hands wandered down to his neck and their lips met. He tasted tears in his mouth, not sure if they were his own or not.

But it didn't matter. With Phil nothing really mattered.

____

It was just a week later when Phil couldn't sleep. He'd watched Dan sleep for two hours, softly playing with his curls. Eventually, he got up for a snack.

On the pile of old papers next to the fridge, Phil noticed a white envelope, his name written on it in cursive. He knew what it was. He took a deep breath and reached for the letter, sitting down just there on the kitchen floor to read it.

 

_Phil_

_The only way I can truly express my emotions seems to be through writing. You would have deserved this way sooner. For keeping up with me and my quirks, my constraints, the way my brain just works like this._

_I love you._

_I wish I had the strength to say this out loud but I don't. I have decided that you need to know. And now that I wrote it down, I feel like writing it down more often._

_I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

_You are my sunshine. I always thought that this sounded somewhat cheesy, but then I met you. I always thought the sun gives you nothing but red skin, makes you sweat and dizzy. All in a negative way._

_But you. You make my skin and heart tingle in ways I have never experienced before, in ways that I didn't even know were possible. You can make me sweat, you know. But most of the times you make me feel calm, comfortable. I have never felt more sane than I do with you around. And you make me dizzy, but in the most positive, loving kind of way._

_But most importantly: you brighten up my world. I have never seen colors as bright as they are since you are in my life._

_I want you to stay. So please, stay._

_I love you_

_Dan_

 

Phil only noticed he was crying when he finished reading the letter. He also was smiling. He was never happier as he was in this moment. Dan may think he was exhausting and a lot of work, but with him by his side, Phil felt complete. He finally had a reason to live again.

Phil sneaked back into bed and placed a kiss on Dan's forehead.

Just as he turned off the light on the nightstand, he could've been sure he saw Dan smiling into his pillow.

And all was well.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you liked it or not in the comments!


End file.
